What if the Cure for Anxiety was Falling in Love…

I suffer from anxiety. My overarching and never-pausing mind finds it so easy to go from the most minor of worries to the insufferable and ground-shaking feeling that everything is going so terribly wrong. It can take sometimes things as banal as the inability to fix a broken machine or standing in a crowded nightclub to trigger an uncontrollable wave of deep worry, fear, and self-doubt that takes over my entire mind and body and leaves me shaking and unable to breathe. This paralysing twisted game that my brain repeatedly plays on me has become, for me, the biggest obstacle I have to overcome.

I have not always been so acutely aware of the ways this simple mechanism of my brain was able to so easily sabotage all of my potential and abilities. While I’ve always recognised and understood the range of causes and personal experiences that have led me to feel safest when everything is meticulously planned and all the variables within the reach of my control, it is only in the past few years that I have been able to see how difficult and painful the experience of spontaneity and insecurity can be for me. Though many of us dislike the feeling of sudden change or uncertainty, my approach of overthinking and constant worrying had become one that was causing me to intentionally missing out on the beautiful and unpredictable nature of life. I envied so badly those around me who enjoyed the surprises of carelessness without worrying about all of its potential consequences. I wanted so badly to cure my anxiety as if it was nothing more than a long-lasting winter cough that one treats with sweet syrup and antibiotics. I wanted so badly to change.

And so I began to read. My Amazon order history was a plethora of self-help anxiety books and activity-oriented therapy guides that would enlighten me on this most infuriating and silly of conditions and eventually, I hoped, give me the magical cure. As I read through endless pages of psycho-analytical explanations and meditation-oriented exercises, my frustration only continued as — despite all that i was learning was helpful and accurate — none of it was providing me with the golden, shiny solution that I sought so desperately. “Inhale and exhale slowly throughout the day if you are feeling stressed”. “Maintain a positive attitude.” “Slowly count to 10”. These were all things I had known far before picking up any of these books, and they were all things that didn’t change the way I was functioning or the repeated panic attacks I was suffering.

At the same time as my quest for this mystical, life-changing anxiety cure continued, the pursuit of a new, healthy and empowered love life had been struggling to keep up with the fast-paced Masters I was undertaking and the cold, swiping-right culture of dating in 2017 London as a young 20-year old. I had ended my long-distance three-year relationship with my first serious boyfriend before moving back to the UK to begin/finish my education. This unsettling, sudden change in the comfort bubble of our (deteriorated) relationship had only added another layer of insecurity and self-doubt to the bag of anxious feelings that rested heavily and constantly on my shoulders. At first, I tried the route of the ‘just having fun, no string attached’ empowered feminist woman embracing the carefree, lustful nature of casual dating; and for a while it worked and eased the frustrations of lonely nights. But the meaninglessness of these connections did not fill the void for love and care that had been created deep inside me. While they eased my stress when I didn’t want to be alone, none of them ever made me want to give up the times where I enjoyed being alone and without them.

I imagine you believe this is the moment I tell you where I met the most incredible, perfect amazing boy and just like that all of my anxious troubles and emotional frustrations disappeared and I lived happily ever after like the Disney princess for mental health disorders. I’m sorry to disappoint and announce that it is not, or at least, this is not exactly the story I am trying to transmit to you. I did find love, yes. And he is indeed an incredible, kind man who treats me like the queen I deserve to be treated as, yes. And my spurs of anxious moments and panic attacks has in fact decreased since I have started experiencing love again, yes. But none of this is why I believe that love is the best cure for anxiety and let me explain to you why.

The feminist in me would like to first and foremost erase the Prince-charming saves the day visual that we girls unfortunately still carry with us after years of chick flick and marital institutions indoctrination. While finding someone that cares for you and treats you lovingly is important indeed, it is not the love of a man or a partner that will resolve any of the insecurities and doubts living inside of you. Rather, my Anxiety knight in shining armour is actually the love I am learning to develop piece by piece for myself. Learning to look at the person you see in the mirror not as incapable or unable but rather as growing and strong. Most importantly, there is the realisation that your anxiety, with all its trials and tribulations, is another part of you that makes you the beautiful, unique individual you are. The way my brain functions is not only a curse, it is a blessing too. It is the force that drives my motivation and organisation. It is the power that motivates my curiosities and ingenuity. It is the strength that makes me always so reflective and aware. The golden, magical cure to my anxiety was the acceptance that there is no magical cure to being the person I am and that is okay. The cure for my anxiety is in fact love; it is love for me, my brain, and all its accompanying peculiarities.

#anxiety #stress #selflove #reflections #personal #love #process #fear #mentalhealth #feminism